2008 Woodie Awards
Weekly Horoscope
Kendall Alvarez Eskew
Issue date: 4/29/08 Section: Entertainment
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19): You have always had an uneasy feeling around Scorpios. And with good reason (they're untrustworthy slime).
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20): Yes, everyone is extra excited that it's beach weather again, but perhaps you should forego the thong this year.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21): You will finally cross the line between boyhood and manhood today, when you successfully light a charcoal grill.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22): It's hard to figure out which is scarier: that you will most likely inherit your father's baldness, or that you will most likely inherit your father's hairy back.
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22): Unsure where you put that $5 left over from last night? Check your roommate's wallet. If you don't see the $5 in there, just take the $10 bill because it was probably yours too.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Now that your acne has migrated away from your face and onto your butt, you can finally walk around in public unashamed of your facial features. There is the negative side effect though, of hearing a strange popping noise every time you sit down.
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22): That awful feeling in the pit of your stomach isn't premonition; it's a tapeworm.
Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 21): Like former President Howard Taft, you will get yourself stuck in a bathtub this week. Unlike former President Howard Taft, you do not have an awesome mustache.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21): After accidentally leaving work an hour early for the fifth time in two months, you'll lose your job.
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Though it is always embarrassing to have a tour group catch you sleeping naked, at least the group will be filled with very attractive members of the opposite gender.
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18): I heard that there's a Capricorn that likes you. I won't say who, but I just thought I'd let you know.
Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Your pursuit of facial hair is noble, but perhaps it is a misguided effort. Beards look really strange on women.
Birthdays This Week: Through some odd mix-up, you will get invited to the White House for a VIP tour and a meeting with the president for your birthday. The president will be extremely disappointed when he meets you instead of Kanye West, who he meant to invite.
Kendall took an astronomy class in high school, making him an expert concerning the stars. Still, you probably shouldn't listen to anything he says.
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20): Yes, everyone is extra excited that it's beach weather again, but perhaps you should forego the thong this year.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21): You will finally cross the line between boyhood and manhood today, when you successfully light a charcoal grill.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22): It's hard to figure out which is scarier: that you will most likely inherit your father's baldness, or that you will most likely inherit your father's hairy back.
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22): Unsure where you put that $5 left over from last night? Check your roommate's wallet. If you don't see the $5 in there, just take the $10 bill because it was probably yours too.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Now that your acne has migrated away from your face and onto your butt, you can finally walk around in public unashamed of your facial features. There is the negative side effect though, of hearing a strange popping noise every time you sit down.
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22): That awful feeling in the pit of your stomach isn't premonition; it's a tapeworm.
Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 21): Like former President Howard Taft, you will get yourself stuck in a bathtub this week. Unlike former President Howard Taft, you do not have an awesome mustache.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21): After accidentally leaving work an hour early for the fifth time in two months, you'll lose your job.
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Though it is always embarrassing to have a tour group catch you sleeping naked, at least the group will be filled with very attractive members of the opposite gender.
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18): I heard that there's a Capricorn that likes you. I won't say who, but I just thought I'd let you know.
Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Your pursuit of facial hair is noble, but perhaps it is a misguided effort. Beards look really strange on women.
Birthdays This Week: Through some odd mix-up, you will get invited to the White House for a VIP tour and a meeting with the president for your birthday. The president will be extremely disappointed when he meets you instead of Kanye West, who he meant to invite.
Kendall took an astronomy class in high school, making him an expert concerning the stars. Still, you probably shouldn't listen to anything he says.
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